I’m cutting out the drama. Life has been pretty good! I lost some people that I will miss greatly, but as far as my stress levels…they have been very low this year.
I miss my dear brother, but I’m positive he is doing alright and will be home soon, and I am slowly getting back cool with my dad. It’s a work in progress. As for my wonderful bf, he’s doing great. I really enjoy him and love the time we have together.
My hair has been flourishing nicely…Its been 2 and a half long years. I say long because it really has been that long since I embarked on this journey back to my long hair. I was relaxed at the tender age of 13. I never really had to take care of my own hair because my mom was a master of beautiful braids that I wore through most of my childhood. So from 13 to 23 I relaxed my long locks until I went through an emotional time that caused my hair to break off terribly so after looking through some old pics of my mom and me…I made the decision to NEVER RELAX AGAIN!
It was so hard at first. I went through times where I had the cutest little doo and then there were times where I wore hats. I even shed tears a time or two when I just did not like my hair style. There were days where I spent hours and hours working on my hair and at the end of the day I was exhausted, defeated, and I wasn’t satisfied. My awesomewa bf even told me a few times how much he hated my hair. I spent months were I felt like I wasn’t attractive enough for him. I think it wasn’t until a year ago that he took a look at me and said “I like your hair.”
I usually liked my hair back in the beginning, but if no one else liked it I was the most important person I need to impress. I am very picky, but I think that I love my hair now more than ever because I love long hair. So I’m patiently waiting for it to grow even longer, but I have to take better care of it. Although I spend a lot of time on it…Its so hard to be patient for another 2 years. *le sigh*
So I’ve been doing the tightly curly method for about a week now. I’m gonna try and do it for another 6 weeks and see how it goes…I think I’ll try to do more updos so that my hair isn’t rubbing on my clothes in the back damaging my ends. So far it has been great…I’m still trying to decide on which combing conditioner is the best for me. The top and front of my hair is dryer than the back so I may have to use another kind of conditioner for the front all together. Its a work in progress. I think I will have some time to do it over either tonight or tomorrow afternoon. I’ll post a pic.
How do I pull myself up everyday?…rewind
How do I open my eyes when the sound of the alarm goes off?
My physical setting of my body is what moves the joints, tendons, and musculature. Even the space of my mind is disconnected, “Good morning” “I’m fine how are you” “What’s going on this weekend?”
All the while my soul is in agony. The sheer thought of being fine is so far from me that all I can think of is…what happened?
I can guarantee you never want to feel agony. Physically it’s nothing…emotionally it’s everything.
What are emotions? When they take over its hard to control. In the space of your mind you don’t have to think in order to feel an emotion. Emotions are almost like the stimulation of the five senses. You see them, you touch them, you smell them, taste them, you hear them.
Let’s go a little further… Not too far though cuz I’ll have to stop soon.
The expressions we make involuntarily, the pictures we love to see or are sad to see, and the movies we play in our mind of the memories. The best hugs you’ve ever had and miss having, the time you used to push away, and the ornate fabrics against your skin. The smell of the squash chicken noodle soup after your wisdom teeth were taken out, 7-up pound cake, and Thanksgiving turkey. Hearing the phone ring cuz you said you’d call, all the times asked me to go turn up the TV, and clean up my room.
I tolorate him. He was my best friend from the time I was born. He changed all that. The service changed all that. Trust is hard to come by because his blinders are so thick that he can’t obtain the words…the thoughts…or the awareness that is trust.
When the soul is tainted in this design…is there a way back into that space? The space where you can relax, soften, and unwind? No…He’s always on guard. A soldier of accomplishments. A superhero mentality of sorts. Why does his world seem so impenetrable? When will he understand that trust is always walking around waiting to be embraced?
Some days I wish I was 12 yrs old again looking way up to my alter ego. He was a leader in my eyes…showing me the way of the world. I knew so little then, so naive and unlearned. He was the holder of my secrets and I his…but now there’s just me. The introspection of my mind no longer has a completely biased outlet. I have to wiggle my way into hearts of the unknown and the questionably safe.
Generalize the consciousness with glazed eyes to help entertain that all is not lost. Things will have a karmactic circuit and resolve, but I must be patient with belief that he will come home.
What a tangled web we weave…all things come to light with the allotted time.
What’s the sitch? Is it the world that turns in square-like formation?
Eyes widen with every leg extension along the path to the truth. What’s the belief? Where does this angle end around the stopping point of time? Death.
Open the door to light the way around this vacant room of possibility? Imagine why the present future always connects to the past. Where does it all go?
What happened wasn’t necessarily explained in my world…in my mind. It was acceptance.
To accept what was or what wasn’t.
To accept the unknown for the known.
To accept the why and the why nots.
The tears no longer flow for the matter that was. They flow for the matter of what I have done to myself for so long. They flow for the trust I feel for people who don’t trust me, and for the hurt that people don’t know they inflict. Although, it is quite possible that they know, but they just don’t think or rethink. They don’t know empathy for others or verbalize it.
The ego makes you strong, but I see the weakness that ensues. To let someone hold value in your life (whether they are a friend, family member, associate, co-worker, etc) makes them a part of you…you allow them a place in the space of your mind, in a space of your soul.
Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is too much for you to comprehend. How can someone…like me or even anyone; allow this much LIFE to come in.
To be sssooo unguarded.
To be sssooo open to someone else.
To be sssooo feeling.
The new turn to make is numb. I can still see, but my eyes are closed. Life is still there and waiting to be loved, but love is no longer in my definition of what life is. I used to say live lovely when I was younger. I used to define everything with love. My family does these things for me because they love me. I want to do these things for this person or that person because I love them. I thought that was real love and happiness was born from it. Now I know that truth, is the love that no one feels anymore.
So the New Year is coming and I can’t wait! I’m so ready to jump off the cliff that has been this year and dive into the beginning of the wide open possibility of 2012.
I have all the ideas and plans that will work for me…me…me. I’m usually not very selfish, but look out world that selfish workaholic is coming back with vengeance. She’s thirsty for blood and the words of my faves (” Think about yourself”,”Do what you want to do”) will come out without remorse anymore. Then again I’m not sure if I can escape remorse, but I sure can try! I’m gonna roll around, wade in the deep, and shake my curl feathers…LOL. I was that girl who would wait it out and be cautious, but I think I’ll keep the cautious part and leave behind the wait it out part.
I’m ready to run again, because walking hasn’t been good enough this year. Chances will be taken, feelings will be spent, but the budget will always be in tact.
Sometimes you try to convince yourself that the best is yet to come…that this couldn’t possibly last forever. Then the gray shows up…and you feel like the only thing holding you back is YOU. What’s the difference? What’s the point? When you really want something…its just that, You really Want it! Life isn’t always fair though. Sometimes you put so much energy into it that you just can’t understand what was working or what was good or bad. The memories turn into all bad, and the good ones used to seem so GREAT! You don’t get everything in life that you want and sometimes you have to just let it all go to understand it. The little things in life are everything, and what you miss the most can’t be replicated in a fantasy universe. Its not the same.
Reality becomes so bright that you have to squint to see it and the passion behind it makes it all come true.
What does it mean to freeze to death? ; to drown; to fall from 60 stories above; to get hit by a car…
What does it mean to love?
What does it mean to hate? ; to empathize; to degrade; to appreciate…
Fear runs in both directions maybe not in your minds eye, but could it quite possibly run someone else? Why do we fear things in life? What do you fear? Do you fear loving your child so much that your way is always the better way…do you let them decide; do you love your child so much that they always have the final thought?
What’s in your minds eye? Can you see how this affects her? Can you feel her heart through her eyes? Its hard to tell without words…are there enough of them to explain the unknown. Are there enough non-judgmental thoughts, body parts, and cover-up treatments to HELP?
At this point, spiraling upward is the same as spiraling downward…you can’t tell where it will end or why it won’t… just…END…
The truth is told. Fear has been the answer for so long that other options are are in a somewhat lost state. The fight to find them is like a dream.
I can’t wait for the days where I feel this way everyday! Accomplishing everything I want to accomplish. Making it all happen! I’m glad to be here, know where I’m going, and knowing where I’ve come from.
I’m no longer in transition. I spent a year pining over what was to come, I spent a year dependent upon my ludicrous uncertainties, and I spent a year wondering why. I don’t wonder anymore…I know. I have my 5 and 10 year plans in place. I have my selfish side and my ego in check. And I have my guard all they way up for those who want to stop me, discourage me, and take advantage of my sweet open spirit.
Whose face do you see in the end of all this? There are things going on that are deep seated and etching there way into your life. Things that I have no knowledge of. Our eyes don’t meet anymore. I’m avoiding yours because when I ask questions I feel degraded for not honoring privacy that appears when the moon shows his face. You’re not looking for mine anymore because your blinded by your own ongoing events.
I don’t want to bother because of the confusing disagreements that arise. But, why can’t I ask about the lack of time spent at my house versus yours. Why can’t I ask about the lack of interest in my family? The overseas trips don’t mean much anymore. Those questions are behind me. Local family are another idea. No more tiptoes.
What can you do besides lay around and slip blissfully in and out of consciousness. As wonderful as that sounds to me…Good sleep can be hard to come by. I love it when its long and restful, but sometimes the dreams take over.
When that happens taming the beast of body aches, moody thoughts, and succumbing to the drunkenness that is sleep becomes unbearable. In some ways I love being so tired that it takes me no time to dive into the vast beach of sleep sand, but I’ve been wishing for that sleep to be restful and not make me more tired instead.
I’ve even been trying to figure out how many solid hours of sleep I get, but some times its hard to differentiate between the two. Every week end is a hoping game for some sleep catch-up.
When the scream of your favorite aunt tells you that your first love is never going to be there ever again…”Are you OK?” is by far the worst question you”ll hear on a daily basis. Its like I discovered how much I hate that question when I tried to call my mom’s cell phone for months on end…knowing that I had disconnected it. (I still have that number in my heart and in my phone…now all I can do is look at it).
When a baby is born his/her first love almost always is MOMMI. I lost my first love and wanted to die everyday for 9 months….Every second that she’s gone I search my soul for her to come back. What could I trade the universe for to have her back that’s more valuable than my own life? Every time I cry it feels as though I could never remember my happiest moment to take the pain away.
I’m going through life wondering if I will make it. She is my confidence, my security, my strength. I hold her inside, but the lengths that I would go through to hear her say “Hi Baby” or to just appear in front of my eyes with a smile and open arms makes me be impatient for death to come.
I am aware of life, of the way I feel, of the way people make me feel, of the things that I am to do. I am not ok. I am broken in the worst way. I am hurting, because the people I love don’t seem to see me. She saw me. She knows me. My eyes are filled with with beads of life that roll down my cheeks, fall off my chin, hit me in the chest, and spiral down the rest of my body. What hurts the most is that the people I felt that I could possibly talk to are not here. She was number 1…unjudging, completely trustworthy, and reliable. Unjudging goes without saying…completely trustworthy is something else. Trust in someone is not only trust in their ability to acknowledge what you give them, but also trust what you allow them to have. Most importantly, how much do I trust for you to know about me and how I feel. Could handle that?
Are you willing to give me a chance? Everyone has their own complexities, the question is are you willing to take them on and understand them fully. Not try to fix them as though they are a problem, but to see them in light that they are able and willing to share those complexities with you.
So I planned on writing yesterday, but things have no choice but to occupy my mind to find other things for me to be doing. Anyways…it’s been a year plus one day since we began our lovely journey. So much has happened these past few months.
I am a college undergraduate and current graduate student working towards my masters degree in kinesiology. My and my H.C. are still loving each other and life, my goals are constantly changing and I am always looking towards bettering myself, I have a wonderful and exciting job (praise HIM) with people I can’t get enough of, and yet another very great boss. I’m gaining weight so I can get my figure back and happening. Its been slow but I won’t give up.
I can’t wait to get started into everything I’m planning because I know that it will be great, but it will surely make me busy and I’ll be sad because I won’t get as much time with my H.C. eventhough I know that he will always make me believe that he ok with me being gone all the time. We’ll miss each other, but we will still make it through. Starting back into these books is going to be tougher than I would like, but at this point I’m willing to go the distance and do whatever it takes!!!!
What do exclaimation marks mean…excitement, suspense, edgyness, somthing of that nature. I personally have never felt an exclaimation mark hurt some much…until now. I really feel out of my element here…Graduation is so close and my heart just feels overweight.
What is it that you hear through my eyes? I’m telling you everytime I stare at you. It just takes forever for me to turn them off, because every second the show changes…it weakens me like my favorite show on TV. It bribes me to watch…to hear the different shades of sound coming in to my retinas (or what’s left of them).
If there were a choice to be made, what would you do? Be blind or not hear…forever? When I close my eyes I don’t see darkness…I hear melodies and all kinds of things are happening.
At night I’m able to dream and sleep about golden zebras on the beach with cheetah elephants…LOL. And in the day I hear the sound of the blue sun setting in the orange sky. I have no boundaries when I close my eyes. Therefore if they are open and actively taking in the sight of you…listen…they’re telling you something. These eyes want to envison their dreams happen in the light of the day because imagination is endless. Sometimes these fabrications are alive though. Can’t you see them walking around…so all you can do is stare because the wonderment is actually true. It’s there in plain sight…you.
One day I’m going to sit down and watch TV. I’m just going to watch whatever I want to watch “.” (period). With no interruptions and no random calls telling me that my car has been hit by a completely sober male who was speeding in the parking lot going 45 miles an hour. I mean its kind of hard to understand why you would need to go that fast when you could hit a person coming around a corner or two cars because you were out of control. (I digress).
Oh well, I’m going to get to go shopping when I can spend this money that I earn on things other than this car. I’m going to buy lavish apartment furniture for my two bedroom cuddle palace that I plan on getting in the near future of less than a year. I’m going to study feverishly for these A’s that I’m going to make in graduate school no matter what degree I decide on, and finally I’m going to win the lottery with 10 of my friends to pay off my student loans and get started on the building plans of my house. Although I’m 21 years old and I’ve never gambled before, I figure that one day I’m going to try it. I guess there’s some kind of rush in there about winning millions of dollars. I’ve barely ever seen over a thousand so I think I would have to give some away if I had a million.
Hmmm…whatever. Some kind of way everything is going to come together and life has got me all locked up in my own personalized staight jacket. It’s go me covered and of course He knows how it’s suppose to go. I’m ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
Get out of the confusion of the world. Get into the presentless past. Look through the denseless stars and let its aura penetrate after the blast.
Just a mental escape exercise that I had to share…maybe I just did it for myself though, to take a deep breath and *Sigh*. Today is the Final Four NCAA Tournament where I personally have not been able to watch any of the games, but I have been rooting for UCONN on account that I did used to go to there games back when I was in high school. I had no idea that they would do so well, but whatever (kudos to them…LOL). Otherwise this whole job search has been getting harder and harder. Especially since I read the news yesterday (google news) :
Unemployment zoomed to 8.5 percent last month, the highest in a quarter-century, as employers axed 663,000 more workers and pushed the nation’s jobless ranks past 13 million. The hard times were only expected to get harder — a painful 10 percent jobless rate before long.
It hurt my heart…literally (I kind of had some chest pain). It has gone up 0.4% in one month…that means from Feburary to March…and April is said to be just as bad or worse. They say the average work week is down to 33.2 hours and that most people have two and three part-time jobs. And…there are around 13.2 million people who are unemployed, but there is a new 9 million who are now forced to work part-time because companies are cutting back hours.
Good grief…I’m still applying for jobs though. I do believe that I’m in a pretty safe place right now and I’m unwilling to give up. I have too much energy to not be actively getting the job or jobs that I will have. Its going to be a long road, but today I’m so hopeful that I jsut can’t wait to see what will happen next!!!
I thought about this tomorrow…go to work have a long day, but not necessarily a bad one. Come home kiss my boo, have hot wings with mozzarella sticks (that I have kind of been craving all week), and maybe watch the new fast and the furious movie.
Tomorrow seems kind of ambitious, but gosh it also seems so simplistic. On the other finger, I thought about this on the 32nd (or today)…awaken, maybe fall and half way kill myself trying to get to the bathroom, shower, dress and discover I left my pants in the car, get to my internship, ask a passing truck to splash me with rain before I cross the street (LOL wet shoes are squishy), discover that I only have a hand full of Cheez-its left for my breakfast (should have made that bagel), and partially lose my voice trying fiercely to teach the senior aerobics class.
Lunchtime comes with 2 minutes and 30 seconds on the nuke machine, after patiently waiting I almost swallow a glorious frozen but freshly 5,000 degrees mini cheese pizza (it burned a little), then I played the apply for jobs and wait for my clients on a rainy day game (one cancelled the other never came…bummer). Then I ran/walked to my semi-flooded car, drove home listening to the aggravating radio, got home kissed my boo, hopped in the shower to wash away the cold, and try to sooth my muscle spirits as the warm water did its best job at making the tingle go away.
Water Break…(take two….and…action)
30 seconds before now, I thought…I need to stop crying before I get out of the car because I have to be on time for work and not just sitting here. I thought about how not only is this medication almost done (thank the lord…cuz it has been driving me nuts) but so is this sinus thing, this weight loss prodigy, and maybe even my hopes and dreams of graduation. I thought about my concerns and how they were just spilling over the sides of my pot (all sloppy like…almost starting a fire). I tolerably felt like I went blind and I couldn’t figure out what was going on or what I was going to do. *Sigh* My mind makes me scattered and confused, but when I LISTEN to my soul I can hear every sound.