See the World Through My Eyes

I’m cutting out the drama. Life has been pretty good! I lost some people that I will miss greatly, but as far as my stress levels…they have been very low this year.

I miss my dear brother, but I’m positive he is doing alright and will be home soon, and I am slowly getting back cool with my dad. It’s a work in progress. As for my wonderful bf, he’s doing great. I really enjoy him and love the time we have together.

My hair has been flourishing nicely…Its been 2 and a half long years. I say long because it really has been that long since I embarked on this journey back to my long hair. I was relaxed at the tender age of 13. I never really had to take care of my own hair because my mom was a master of beautiful braids that I wore through most of my childhood. So from 13 to 23 I relaxed my long locks until I went through an emotional time that caused my hair to break off terribly so after looking through some old pics of my mom and me…I made the decision to NEVER RELAX AGAIN!

It was so hard at first. I went through times where I had the cutest little doo and then there were times where I wore hats. I even shed tears a time or two when I just did not like my hair style. There were days where I spent hours and hours working on my hair and at the end of the day I was exhausted, defeated, and I wasn’t satisfied. My awesomewa bf even told me a few times how much he hated my hair. I spent months were I felt like I wasn’t attractive enough for him. I think it wasn’t until a year ago that he took a look at me and said “I like your hair.”

I usually liked my hair back in the beginning, but if no one else liked it I was the most important person I need to impress. I am very picky, but I think that I love my hair now more than ever because I love long hair. So I’m patiently waiting for it to grow even longer, but I have to take better care of it. Although I spend a lot of time on it…Its so hard to be patient for another 2 years. *le sigh*

So I’ve been doing the tightly curly method for about a week now. I’m gonna try and do it for another 6 weeks and see how it goes…I think I’ll try to do more updos so that my hair isn’t rubbing on my clothes in the back damaging my ends. So far it has been great…I’m still trying to decide on which combing conditioner is the best for me. The top and front of my hair is dryer than the back so I may have to use another kind of conditioner for the front all together. Its a work in progress. I think I will have some time to do it over either tonight or tomorrow afternoon. I’ll post a pic.

How do I pull myself up everyday?…rewind
How do I open my eyes when the sound of the alarm goes off?

I don’t…
My physical setting of my body is what moves the joints, tendons, and musculature. Even the space of my mind is disconnected, “Good morning” “I’m fine how are you” “What’s going on this weekend?”

All the while my soul is in agony. The sheer thought of being fine is so far from me that all I can think of is…what happened?
I can guarantee you never want to feel agony. Physically it’s nothing…emotionally it’s everything.

What are emotions? When they take over its hard to control. In the space of your mind you don’t have to think in order to feel an emotion. Emotions are almost like the stimulation of the five senses. You see them, you touch them, you smell them, taste them, you hear them.

Let’s go a little further… Not too far though cuz I’ll have to stop soon.

The expressions we make involuntarily, the pictures we love to see or are sad to see, and the movies we play in our mind of the memories. The best hugs you’ve ever had and miss having, the time you used to push away, and the ornate fabrics against your skin. The smell of the squash chicken noodle soup after your wisdom teeth were taken out, 7-up pound cake, and Thanksgiving turkey. Hearing the phone ring cuz you said you’d call, all the times asked me to go turn up the TV, and clean up my room.

God…

What’s the purpose of my feelings?

I tolorate him. He was my best friend from the time I was born. He changed all that. The service changed all that. Trust is hard to come by because his blinders are so thick that he can’t obtain the words…the thoughts…or the awareness that is trust.

When the soul is tainted in this design…is there a way back into that space? The space where you can relax, soften, and unwind? No…He’s always on guard. A soldier of accomplishments. A superhero mentality of sorts. Why does his world seem so impenetrable? When will he understand that trust is always walking around waiting to be embraced?

Some days I wish I was 12 yrs old again looking way up to my alter ego. He was a leader in my eyes…showing me the way of the world. I knew so little then, so naive and unlearned. He was the holder of my secrets and I his…but now there’s just me. The introspection of my mind no longer has a completely biased outlet. I have to wiggle my way into hearts of the unknown and the questionably safe.

Attend:

Generalize the consciousness with glazed eyes to help entertain that all is not lost. Things will have a karmactic circuit and resolve, but I must be patient with belief that he will come home.

Did you see that? Or should I say did you know?

What a tangled web we weave…all things come to light with the allotted time.
What’s the sitch? Is it the world that turns in square-like formation?

Eyes widen with every leg extension along the path to the truth. What’s the belief? Where does this angle end around the stopping point of time? Death.
Open the door to light the way around this vacant room of possibility? Imagine why the present future always connects to the past. Where does it all go?

The answer to that question is NO!

What happened wasn’t necessarily explained in my world…in my mind. It was acceptance.

To accept what was or what wasn’t.

To accept the unknown for the known.

To accept the why and the why nots.

The tears no longer flow for the matter that was. They flow for the matter of what I have done to myself for so long. They flow for the trust I feel for people who don’t trust me, and for the hurt that people don’t know they inflict. Although, it is quite possible that they know, but they just don’t think or rethink. They don’t know empathy for others or verbalize it. The ego makes you strong, but I see the weakness that ensues. To let someone hold value in your life (whether they are a friend, family member, associate, co-worker, etc) makes them a part of you…you allow them a place in the space of your mind, in a space of your soul.

Pause.

Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is too much for you to comprehend. How can someone…like me or even anyone; allow this much LIFE to come in.

To be sssooo unguarded.

To be sssooo open to someone else.

To be sssooo feeling.

The new turn to make is numb. I can still see, but my eyes are closed. Life is still there and waiting to be loved, but love is no longer in my definition of what life is. I used to say live lovely when I was younger. I used to define everything with love. My family does these things for me because they love me. I want to do these things for this person or that person because I love them. I thought that was real love and happiness was born from it. Now I know that truth, is the love that no one feels anymore.

Did the World End in 2012? The answer is no…

So the New Year is coming and I can’t wait! I’m so ready to jump off the cliff that has been this year and dive into the beginning of the wide open possibility of 2012.

I have all the ideas and plans that will work for me…me…me. I’m usually not very selfish, but look out world that selfish workaholic is coming back with vengeance. She’s thirsty for blood and the words of my faves (” Think about yourself”,”Do what you want to do”) will come out without remorse anymore. Then again I’m not sure if I can escape remorse, but I sure can try! I’m gonna roll around, wade in the deep, and shake my curl feathers…LOL. I was that girl who would wait it out and be cautious, but I think I’ll keep the cautious part and leave behind the wait it out part.

I’m ready to run again, because walking hasn’t been good enough this year. Chances will be taken, feelings will be spent, but the budget will always be in tact.

Sometimes you try to convince yourself that the best is yet to come…that this couldn’t possibly last forever. Then the gray shows up…and you feel like the only thing holding you back is YOU. What’s the difference? What’s the point? When you really want something…its just that, You really Want it! Life isn’t always fair though. Sometimes you put so much energy into it that you just can’t understand what was working or what was good or bad. The memories turn into all bad, and the good ones used to seem so GREAT! You don’t get everything in life that you want and sometimes you have to just let it all go to understand it. The little things in life are everything, and what you miss the most can’t be replicated in a fantasy universe. Its not the same.

Reality becomes so bright that you have to squint to see it and the passion behind it makes it all come true.