8th
Are you OK?
I will never be “OK” again…
When the scream of your favorite aunt tells you that your first love is never going to be there ever again…”Are you OK?” is by far the worst question you”ll hear on a daily basis. Its like I discovered how much I hate that question when I tried to call my mom’s cell phone for months on end…knowing that I had disconnected it. (I still have that number in my heart and in my phone…now all I can do is look at it).
When a baby is born his/her first love almost always is MOMMI. I lost my first love and wanted to die everyday for 9 months….Every second that she’s gone I search my soul for her to come back. What could I trade the universe for to have her back that’s more valuable than my own life? Every time I cry it feels as though I could never remember my happiest moment to take the pain away.
I’m going through life wondering if I will make it. She is my confidence, my security, my strength. I hold her inside, but the lengths that I would go through to hear her say “Hi Baby” or to just appear in front of my eyes with a smile and open arms makes me be impatient for death to come.
I am aware of life, of the way I feel, of the way people make me feel, of the things that I am to do. I am not ok. I am broken in the worst way. I am hurting, because the people I love don’t seem to see me. She saw me. She knows me. My eyes are filled with with beads of life that roll down my cheeks, fall off my chin, hit me in the chest, and spiral down the rest of my body. What hurts the most is that the people I felt that I could possibly talk to are not here. She was number 1…unjudging, completely trustworthy, and reliable. Unjudging goes without saying…completely trustworthy is something else. Trust in someone is not only trust in their ability to acknowledge what you give them, but also trust what you allow them to have. Most importantly, how much do I trust for you to know about me and how I feel. Could handle that?
Are you willing to give me a chance? Everyone has their own complexities, the question is are you willing to take them on and understand them fully. Not try to fix them as though they are a problem, but to see them in light that they are able and willing to share those complexities with you.
